Wednesday, April 6, 2011
The U.S. Government Allows Cocaine Sales. (Present)
There's only one entity in the United States that can legally purchase coca leaves, and there's only one entity that can manufacture purified cocaine from them. And, surprise surprise, these two entities share a very symbiotic existence with each other. And Coca-Cola.
Mallinckrodt Incorporated is a St. Louis-based pharmaceutical manufacturer that receives its cocaine from Illinois-based Stephan Company's New Jersey manufacturing plant (you may now commence your onslaught of New Jersey jokes). Stephan Company imports and processes over 385,000 pounds of coca leaves for its client, Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola uses ingredients from the coca leaves (right) for flavoring, but the good stuff isn't a part of the beverage's recipe. Waste makes haste in the form of mad amounts of good old cocaine for Mallinckrodt, who then purifies it for medicinal use.
How does one go about removing cocaine from a coca leaf, you ask? Well, if you're a seedy drug lord, you douse that shit in kerosene, percolate the cocaine out, evaporate the kerosene, and presto! Cocaine for those hungry masses. Stephan uses a slightly more elaborate procedure to process the coca leaves it uses for Coca-Cola: 1) Grind up coca leaves; 2) Mix with sawdust; 3) Soak in bicarbonate of soda; 4) Filter with toluene; 5) Steam blast 6) Mix with powdered Kola nuts; and 7) Pasteurize.
All that work for a refreshing glass of empty calories, and if you're lucky, perhaps a nice case of Type 2 diabetes. But, if you're really lucky, maybe you'll get a little taste of the Mallinckrodt government-OK'd purified cocaine, and go on to have a very good time filled with animated conversations, a lack of over-eating, and maybe even a little bit of good deep house cleaning when you just can't fall asleep.